This weekend I had the pleasure of participating in a retreat with Western Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. I gleaned so much from her language, her presence, and her demeanor. It was powerful to bask in this experience from Friday night through Sunday morning.

 As I attempt to share what I learned, please forgive my inadequate attempts to paraphrase Pema. I’m hoping to convey the essence of some of her message. Know that she put all this far better than I can, and that I encourage you to listen to her recordings, read her books, or see her live if you are so inclined.

Of all her teachings this weekend, one sticks with me the most: if you’re not expanding, you’re contracting. Because there is absolutely no permanence in this world. Impermanence is a mark of our existence. Nothing stays still or the same, ever.

 Expansion is difficult to define, but to me it relates to individual and universal growth, open-heartedness, open-mindedness, surrender, willingness to take risks, willingness to go beyond what feels comfortable, and willingness to feel your feelings and move through them, all for the ultimate purpose of benefitting others. Expansion is a conscious choice we can and must make on a moment-to-moment basis if we are committed to our growth. I seek expansion.

Yet sometimes, all too often, I feel myself shutting down, resisting, avoiding. As humans, we have a habitual tendency to close down. What do we do when these feelings of contraction creep in? Logically, if everything is always changing, the only antidote to contraction must be expansion. But how do we return to expansion?

Pema says, “We begin by recognizing that moment of unease and learn to relax in that moment.” Here are some practical suggestions she shared for shifting from stress toward a relaxed state.

• Open your arms wide, like wings
• Smile
• Open your state of mind to the direction of limitlessness
• Sit up, with “good head and shoulders”
• Open your sense perceptions, one by one (begin by focusing on sounds around you, then what you see, etc.)
• Exaggerate the sense of contraction, then release
• “Place the fearful mind in a cradle of loving kindness.” Send kindness and warmth to the fearful part of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It takes enormous courage.
• Open yourself to your contraction and your imperfections – don’t resist. The gap between expectation and reality is a portal to the Infinite, a learning opportunity. 
• When you feel yourself attacking or blaming another: “Don’t act. Don’t speak. Remain like a log of wood.” Make your strong emotion the object of your investigation. Have unconditional friendliness toward what you’re thinking and feeling.

We work on ourselves to make a positive impact on others. For Brilliance-Based Businesswomen, focusing on our expansion is essential to serving our clients and customers well. I hope these tips from Pema will help you through the inevitable moments when we begin to shut down.

How do you reverse feelings of contraction when they creep up on you? In what areas of your life and work are you expanding?

Eight days ago, I woke up ready. Ready to embrace the changes that lay ahead. Ready to accept my independence. Ready to manage my food intake at the same time as A’s. Ready to feel good again. Ready to move forward.  

This shift feels major. Like the times I declared I would train for and run a 5k, and did it every time. Like the time in 2008 I declared I would start taking care of myself again, after too many years of people pleasing. Like the time at the end of 2009 when I left my largest client and relaunched my business identity. But this time, it’s more personal than ever.

January through mid-April this year, I felt so angry, so sad, so hurt. I wrestled with forgiveness in my heart.

Eight days ago I weighed and measured my breakfast food. Nothing I ate contained flour. Nothing I ate contained sugar. Nothing I ate contained corn. I announced to my children that I was ready to reclaim my well being. I chopped some vegetables for lunch, mixed them with olive oil and seasonings, and placed them in the steamer above my rice cooker. It smelled delicious. I ate them for lunch and dinner. I continued this for seven more days. And I’m continuing again today. One day at a time.

I did not come to this new place alone. Recent powerful conversations with many people, including but not limited to Linda, Stef, Michelle, Bryn, Chris, Naomi, Barbara, Ginger, Erin, Cindy, Marcie, Yoojin, Ruth, Karen, and Eileen, have led me here. As has prayer. As did Jennifer Zwiebel’s Into the Light event May 5th.

This morning I watched this TEDx talk by Marcus Sheridan, one of my blogging inspirations. At the end, he challenges everyone who hears his talk to “allow truth and transparency to change everything.”  If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you know I’m committed. Marcus has led me to wonder, how do I take it to the next level?

What questions do you have about my Brilliance-Based Business and Life, or how to evolve your own? Post them here and I will do my best to answer via blog or vlog.

A few weeks ago, in a moment of particularly high stress, I posed this question on Facebook: ”What do *you* do when it all feels like too much?“

The collection of answers I received felt comforting and inspiring.  And the sheer number of responses helped me feel less alone.  

In the aftermath of the Boston Bombings, I suspect we could all use some comfort, inspiration and connection. So I’m sharing what I received. Thank you to everyone who contributed wisdom and advice. 

Go on Facebook.

Drop everything that isn’t essential to survival in favor of resting and recovering. After the rest, you will know what to do next. But don’t go beyond the moment you are in, or do more than is absolutely necessary. And believe that what you are doing/able to do is enough. Also, I look to the animal kingdom and remember that perhaps the human race on the whole expects too much… And perhaps that will be our downfall! Eat. Sleep. Breathe.

I get someone to listen to me, really listen as I talk about just how hard it all is. No interruptions, no advice, just listen and remind me sometimes that I am smart, I am good, and I will figure it out. After shedding tears or having an adult tantrum, I feel much better.

Sometimes just a LONG walk…

Drop as much as you can, knowing you can pick it back up again . . . re-frame things moment by moment if you have to . . .

Make a list of what NEEDS to get done. Prioritize by importance. Then allow yourself 30 mins to go outside with your kids & look for shapes in the clouds or play “I Spy”. When you get back in you’ll feel prepared to tackle the list. When you have another moment, think about if it IS too much or just feels that way. If it is too much, start to say “no” when you need to.

Seriously prioritize…starting with your health and sanity first….everything comes after that…xoxo

www.getsomeheadspace.com has free guided meditations

Can you go for a massage?

Hang out with my kids, relax in front of the TV, answer in short emails, and prioritize tasks by placing them in my calendar according to when I can get to them.

I’m there now, and my strategy is: keep kids going with their routine, hiring help if needed; focus on what is both urgent and impt and/or reflects on my professional reputation; anything that seems impt but not urgent schedule in task list for doing or ignoring later; dump anything urgent but not impt; keep appts relating to health/sanity; express sincere thanks to the many people I’m calling on for support – and delegate to them! Finally, I’m grateful for my luck/brilliance that I stocked the fridge with tons of healthy food before the sh*t hit the fan, so I’m controlling one thing in my control by eating what I really need. And letting the kids eat lots of Mac and cheese. And much of this is thx to tools and systems and beliefs that you helped me put in place. And tonight when J asked me to stay in bed with her, I gave her/us a good 10 minutes before attacking the next set of items.

All of you watch a great movie and fall asleep on your bed!

What do *you* do when it all feels too much?  Share below with our community of Brilliance-Based Businesswomen and Careerwomen, so we can all have an expansive toolkit easily at hand.